Why I Want My One Night Stands Back

I’m gonna say some things now.  They won’t be filtered or even relevant necessarily.  If you are judgmental or don’t feel like reading the struggles of a promiscuous college student with a sexual pain disorder, then you may want to stop reading. 

When I decided to do the surgery, I thought one of two things would happen if it was a success. 1. I would sleep around more because I can, or 2. I would decide that sex meant more to me than various one night stands.  Clearly the second option is more respectable, more logical, more acceptable, but it isn’t me.  

Removal of a piece of skin can’t change who I am, or what I want, or what I am emotionally ready for.   I’m a firm believer in the fact that people can’t change unless they are truly ready, and i’m not ready.  I’m not ready to give up my one night stands, i’m not ready to stop taking risks, and I am most certainly not ready to be the person who only has sex with someone who cares about them.  I’m not ready to be cared about.

Waiting for something serious means waiting a long time.  I’m 21, and I don’t fall for every guy I meet like most 20 somethings out there do.  I’m an extremely sensitive person, and when I get hurt, I get destroyed.  I don’t want to be destroyed anymore, I want to grow up and feel strong enough to hold my own in a relationship and not crumble.  I want to enjoy being young while it lasts, and I refuse to waste my time grieving failed relationships that I wasn’t ready for in the first place. There is no formula for reaching a level of personal growth high enough to have a genuinely healthy relationship.  All there is, is time, and I need a lot of it.  So I’m not looking for someone to have meaningful emotionally secure sex with right now.

My various hookups are a part of who I am.  I enjoy casual relationships. I love inviting a guy over, drinking, hooking up, and maybe playing some video games after.  I also love my one night stands.  They make me feel accomplished, confident, sexy, and strong.  Why is that so wrong?  Why does it have to seem like a sign of unresolved issues or low self esteem to enjoy casual sex?  And why should I give this up just because I had surgery to fix my sex problems?

Of course there is the whole pain issue in this.  I’m lucky in the sense that I can physically have sex, even with my condition.  I am also lucky, because it’s not brutal and traumatic for me, as it is for many women.  Sometimes it really hurts, and sometimes it’s really not that bad.  My pain increases gradually.  I am usually kind of ok at the beginning, then it gets worse the longer it lasts.  Sometimes I make them stop and just give them head, but on better days I can make it through without it being too bad.  Of course “not that bad” isn’t an accomplishment for most “normal” women, but it’s all I know.  Maybe my promiscuous ways are attempts to be self destructive.  But maybe they are just me, not letting the pain control me and hold me back. 

I can either wait for something meaningful, and wait a long time, or just keep doing what I’m doing (when i’m ready of course).  They each have their pros and cons.  I don’t know what I am going to do yet, but I do know that I have to decide.  I refuse to “yolo it” and just impulsively decide to do something I may regret.  I will make a decision when the time is right.  Of course its more complicated then option one or option two, as there is no way for me to know what I’m going to encounter.  The only thing I know for certain, is that I would miss my one night stands.