The Two Year Follow Up

OMG HI EVERYONE!!!!! I’m super psyched to be updating my blog!!!  Things are so different now than they were two years ago when I got the surgery.  It is strange reading my old posts.  SPOILER ALERT my vulvar vestibulectomy story magically has a happy ending so get psyched.

Let’s go back for a second.  My last update was the one year mark and things were mixed.  On the one hand, the surgery was a success and my skin problems were healed! On the other hand, I hadn’t had the opportunity to have much sex throughout the year, and when I did it was mostly with randos who were drunk and probably not even good in bed when they were sober.  I was experiencing a lot of muscular pain due to anxiety and badly timed breaks from dilator use.

Everything is SO MUCH better now.  Sex is awesome and I’m so grateful for this surgery.  You guys aren’t going to believe this, I know I don’t, but I actually met this super awesome guy who is not only really understanding of any lingering anxiety or pain but is also super awesome in bed.  I really hope he doesn’t find this… If anyone was an avid follower of mine you will see that this is a big deal.  I was super anti relationships and had a loooot of anger towards men and basically referred to all of them as douchy randos.   When I met him sex was still sort of painful because I had muscle issues and a lot of sex anxiety and a power complex.  I think it was a combination of having a lot of sex to stretch everything out and having someone work with me to find positions that don’t hurt that helped.

It’s never the end (until of course it is) so i’ll declare this the happy middle of my vulvar vestibulitis story.  Now anyone reading this can say hey there was this girl who wrote a blog who went from super amounts of pain to awesomeness.  IF ANYONE IS READING THIS  hit me up with a comment because i’ll be so psyched.  Thanks to all my awesome readers, i’m sure we’ll meet again as I always have something more to blab about but I wish you all the best of luck in the meantime.  Feel free to email me at surgery swag@gmail.com if you have any questions or need someone to talk to!

 

 

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The Big One Year Update

Hi Everyone!

I’ve been waiting for my one year anniversary to post about some of the things that have been happening.  I’ll start with what has happened since my last post about my unsuccessful drunk sex with a rando.

The Good:

After that unsuccessful attempt, I started up with the dilators again in hopes that they would help.  After a couple short weeks using the dilators, I actually had pain free sex that lasted longer than 10 seconds (the length of my last pain free event).  The sex was probably no longer than four minutes, so who knows if the pain would have started had it gone on for longer.

The Bad:

After that I was feeling pretty confident!  I must be cured right?  Wrong…  I stopped using the dilators after that guy, because I had little motivation.  About a month later I reunited with an old friend.  This was no normal old friend, this is the old friend that is ok looking in high school then reaches beach model status in college.  We all have THAT friend.  Luckily for me, I had invested in him when he wasn’t as cute, so he still found me attractive.  He was SUPER hot, so I figured that I’d be into it and everything would go fine.  I was wrong.  He had two things going against him.  1. He was quite large, and 2. he had crazy stamina.  I wonder what it is like to be a normal girl and enjoy those things…  Things were good at first, but after about 5 minutes it started to hurt.  PERSPECTIVE:  before the surgery it would take about 30 seconds for it to hurt, and the pain was obviously worse.  Needless to say, this experience left me discouraged.

The Rest

I still have hope that using the dilators more regularly (or having sex more regularly) could help me.  Unfortunately I still am not in possession of a good test dummy.  I decided not to find someone for this sole purpose, it is just too weird.  Instead I will just have to see what comes along.  I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow, which actually inspired me to write this blog post.  Hopefully she can give me some insight.

Summary

Regardless of my mix of successes and struggles, the surgery did work.  My skin issues are *knock on wood* gone, and my remaining issues are most likely muscular.  This year has been frustrating and confusing, but I’m far from giving up the hope to have a normal sex life one day.

Thanks so much for your support!  I love reading your comments so feel free to drop one if you have any thoughts!  Always feel free to email me at surgeryswag@gmail.com.  Yes that is a real email, no I did not make it when I was high on Percocet.

Bye for now!

Drunk Sex 1, Me 0

Hi Guys!!

Apparently my vestibulectomy blog is now a sex blog… Which is cool I guess if you are into that.  For those of you who think this blog has taken a turn for the worse, at least you have all of my actually informative archives!  And for those of you who are interested in me sexual escapades you have found the right place!

A couple of weeks ago I brought a rando home from a party.  He was pretty decent looking, but nothing special (sorry dude).  Moral of the story, the sex was horrible and really hurt after a while (but not for pre surgery reasons).  Before the surgery, I attributed all my sex problems to nerve pain, and now I am realizing that that wasn’t necessarily true.

I’m not really sure where the issues came from.  It could have been the fact that this guy apparently doesn’t know what foreplay is, it could have been that I wasn’t into it, it could have been that I hadn’t used the dilators in months, or it could have been some unicorn in the sky trying to curse me for trying to have a good time.  This experience really freaked me out at first, because it made me realize that I may not have as good of a handle on the problem as I thought I did.  With more thought I stopped freaking out and decided to try using the dilators again in the hopes that it would change something.

I started using them a couple times a week, but then gave up due to a lack of prospects.  I think the I need a new strategy.  Before, I was looking for randos at parties and on tinder to hook up with and test things out, but now I think I need to look for more of a sex test dummy.  He doesn’t even have to be that cute, just a person who I can explain my situation to, and hook up with multiple times as a test.  Maybe I can find a boy who needs community service hours…

It has almost been a year since my surgery and after my previous celibate semester and failed attempts this semester it seems that I won’t be able to really get a handle on this problem for a while.  I’ve been too busy with graduate school applications to care much about boys anyway.  That is it for now!  Wish me luck on my more serious quest to find a test dummy rando!

You Can Take The Hyperactive Nerve Endings Out Of The Girl, But You Can’t Take The Hyperactive Nerves Out Of The Girl

Hi Darling Blog Followers!

Well last night I hooked up with this guy I used to hook up with a while ago. I think I mentioned him once briefly. We were hanging out for a while and had this interaction:

Boy- “you’re being hesitant”

Me- “I’m not being hesitant I’m just waiting for you to make a move”

Boy – “I haven’t made a move yet because you are so tense.”

…I’m sorry can you not?   He kept telling me that I need to relax, which of course made it even harder for me to relax. I honestly felt fine before he said that, I wasn’t even nervous.   These exchanges continued a bit but eventually I just did The Naked Man play and everything was fine. If you have never heard of The Naked Man, go watch all 9 seasons of how I met your mother and thank me later. Actually just skip season 9 and make up your own ending. Clearly I’m still bitter. Anyways I made my move and we were hooking up, until he started being annoying again.   First he decided it was sexy to viciously attack me with his teeth. This was not only extremely unpleasant, but left a mark. Are we 16 again?   I was dead sober (the first time I had sex after the surgery I was wasted), and of course my entire body clenched when he tried to finger me (I still hate that word).   He asked if I was ok and I said, “yeah it’s just a conditioned response”. He had the audacity to reply “it’s not hot when a girl is so nervous”. Thanks man, that’s real sweet of you.

Moving on, I was giving him head for like 10 seconds and he finished. We were chillin and he was like “oh did I just cum? I didn’t notice”. I’m sorry what??? Is that a thing??   Next he just fell asleep, leaving me confused and slightly insulted. I really know how to pick em. At this point it was 5am and I really wasn’t feeling this guy anymore so I woke him up to politely kick him out. As he was leaving he revealed that he was “still hammered”, which explains a lot. Why do I only have sex with drunk guys…

I was left pretty disconcerted from this experience. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel comfortable with a guy, it’s never really happened before. If one more person says “maybe you aren’t looking in the right places” or “you just haven’t met the right person” I’m going to kill them. OBVIOUSLY I haven’t met the right person I’m not some 35 year old crying because she is still alone. I literally just want to be able to be comfortable around the guys I’m hanging out or hooking up with.

Maybe my only hope is being drunk every time I have sex. Maybe the negative associations are too strong to be rewritten. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be able to have sex, but I think it’s too early to expect to enjoy it. Sex to me might always have to be a performance, instead of an experience.

THANKS FOR PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!  Write me a comment because I’ll get an email notification and be really excited!

I Had Sex With Someone Yay Me!

Hey guys! Welcome back to my blog! I bet you have no idea what this post is about. Sorry for my ambiguous titles. I just like to keep everyone guessing! Time for the big reveal, I had sex with someone!!! I’m writing this post at work so hopefully my boss isn’t reading this over my shoulder…

I’ll let you guys guess where I met him… … … … do you have your guess yet? I met him on Tinder. Is anyone surprised, I know I wasn’t! As some of you may remember, I am spending the summer in Boston. I thought that i’d meet a ton of guys here, other interns, randos at Harvard, countless numbers of guys hitting on me at the bars, well that wasn’t the case. I didn’t seem to be attracting as many hotties as I had previously thought, but I’m sure it’s them and not me!! I decided it was time… to resort to Tinder. I chatted with a few nice boys, my favorite was the bearded guy who called me a “cunt who needs a nose job” when I politely rejected him. Don’t worry, he isn’t the one I re lost my virginity to! I responded with my favorite spongebob quote: “I’M UGLY AND I’M PROUD”, then proceeded to send smiley faces when he called me fat (I’m 5’2 and 120lbs I think his eyes are broken). I almost gave up, but then I matched with a hot med student.

He was around 6 feet tall, dark brown hair, and muscular (but not in a weird way). We texted for about two weeks, nothing serious but it lead me to believe that he was not a creep or a rapist. Midway through the summer I was out at a bar, took some shots of tequila and went on a drunk texting rampage. I decided to have a yolo moment and see if I could get this Tinder guy to come over. He ended up coming to my apartment, and was totally hotter in person. I had my hot girl mask on so hopefully he was fooled! After talking for a bit and taking another shot while I pretended to be in the bathroom, it was time for shit to go down. The great detailed description is going to end here because this is not fifty shades of grey (you’re welcome).

I’ll give you guys the breakdown. Normally, fingering had been excruciation (I really hate the word fingering…). He gave it a go, and I didn’t instinctively push him away (which I may have actually done before). It was a little bit uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I wasn’t in pain! From there it became a sort of out of body experience (which is probably the opposite of what normal sex is supposed to be like…). It was bizarre, it didn’t physically feel bizarre, but the fact that I wasn’t in pain was. I kept thinking, what is my life right now. I was extremely disconnected, but not in a bad way. The actual sex didn’t hurt either! It wasn’t particularly good since he was a lot smaller than I would have predicted due to his physique, and he wasn’t great at keeping it up since he had been drinking. Maybe I should have sex sober for once… The whole experience was not 100% pain free, as I have generalized pain as well that isn’t limited to the opening. Compared to everything else, it really isn’t a big deal and there are ways to get around it (literally).

I wasn’t particularly surprised that it went well, because I fully passed the q tip test and had been using the dilators consistently for a whole semester. I’m really happy that I no longer feel this huge pressure to un revirginize as I called it. I never felt a huge sense of relief or any wave of happiness, as I think there is something in me that doesn’t want to make a big deal about it. Maybe this is because it is a huge change, and it is hard to process fully. It’s just so weird. Anyways that’s my success of the summer! That and becoming a super awesome rock climber, isn’t free time great? I’ll continue to update sparingly to let any straggling followers (don’t leave me!) know how things are going for me. I know that after reading about my struggles you all must be DYING to hear all about the future of my love life. Ooo maybe I’ll blog about how my ridiculous amounts of “intimacy issues” from growing up with a sexual pain disorder affect what is going on with me and the men in my life! Now you guys have that to look forward to.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR STICKING WITH ME! I hope my blog has been helpful to some on you so far! I’d really love to hear your comments in the section below! Also feel free to shoot me an email! Surgeryswag@gmail.com. Thanks guys!

Let me tell you all about my sex life! Ok the story’s over now!

Hi Guys!

Hope all of my super awesome readers are doing well! And the rest of you too 🙂 I’m chilling here in (de identified city) for the summer, and was really hoping to get a couple test drives in. It seemed so perfect, new city, new functional men, new vagina. What could ever go wrong? Well I’ve learned time and time again that the more you plan something, the further it gets from you. Needless to say, I have not been very lucky in the man department over here. It’s partially my fault, since I haven’t been out to the bars as much as I should. However it’s only July, and I still have time… maybe.
The mental struggle continues. To have sex with randos or to try to find a decent human to lose my second virginity to (because a remodeled vagina = a revirginized vagina according to my skewed logic). Sometimes it feels like the universe is physically forcing me to stay away from men. Maybe I’ll just listen to the universe and stop looking at every guy I meet as my potential test subject. But let’s be real that’s not my style. Just you wait readers, one day you will get the anticipated “I Just Had Sex” blogpost. Maybe it will even be quickly written on my iPhone when the dude is in the bathroom. Guess we will have to find out.
In other news, I use the large dilator sparingly. It still hurts but I don’t feel like spending the time desensitizing to it if I have no prospects. At this point I feel like I could physically have sex if I tried. Aside from that my vagina acts like a normal one!
Once again thanks so much for reading!! Always feel free to email me any questions at surgeryswag@gmail.com

Pizza > Boys (Rationalizing why it’s ok that I can’t have sex)

Me after a frat party (blue = me silver = rando)

Image

Hi Everyone!

It’s been about a month since my failed/premature attempt to have sex.  I really should have known it wouldn’t work, seeing as I still couldn’t get the dick size dilator in… Good life choices.  This week I started using the “Large” dilator!  It’s about the size of an average white dick, yay!  It hurts like crazy since I pushed myself to go up a size too soon, but yolo! 

It blows my mind that women are able to stretch out enough to have babies.  Seriously blows my mind.   It feels like no matter what I do, the muscles are just programmed to be shut, and are always fighting back.  I wish I had time for PT because even though I’m technically progressing I still feel like I’m missing something.  I started using the dilators in February, now it’s almost May and I still can’t comfortably get something the size of a dick in. 

This summer I’ll be working in Boston, and living with randos yet again!  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super awesome internship and the people I’m living with seem really cool, but I’m worried about continuing my PT routine.  I have my own room in my apartment here, (as I’ll have in boston), but I still have to make that trip to the bathroom to wash the dilators after use.  My roommates aren’t weirded out by it, because they find it amusing and we all make light of the situation.  However, I don’t think randos will find it amusing if they walk in on my giving a soapy handjob to a dick sized tube.  I’ll have to figure something out.

In other news, I have been finding clever ways to reject the very few randos that have attempted to communicate with me (see figure 1).  I miss boys, they are so wonderful.  And by wonderful I mean terrible.  I’m such a prototypical college girl… Well those are my updates for now! Feel free to say hi in the comments!  I miss my active readers!

Talk to you later!

 

Getting It In (Or Nah)

Hi Guys!!!

I’ve missed you! How have y’all been? I guess it’s been about 3 and a half months since my surgery.  Time really flies when you’re not spending every second in bed watching How I Met Your Mother and having your meals brought to you on a tray!  I’m going to start this post by filling you in on my personal life (although let’s be real, that just means my academic life), and then get into the fun vagina stuff!

I’m coming up on the middle of the semester, and things don’t suck!  My classes are going well, I did well (enough) on my GREs, and my boss is still critical and obnoxious but hey that’s life.  Things with the roomies are rocky as one of them is slowly turning into a loud obnoxious alcoholic, but what can you do?  They think it’s really funny that I lock myself in my room every day to do PT, which it is.

Things with the dilators aren’t perfect, but they are significantly better than when I last posted.  I am now on the medium size!!  That’s a little smaller than a dick so good news!  The bad news is that the muscles are still really tight and burn when I first put the dilators in, but then it gets better as I leave them in for a bit.  The burning freaked me out a little since I always associate burning with vestibulitis, but I read on some message boards that it is normal and just a part of re training the muscles.  

I have a doctors appointment on Monday and am a little bit worried.  I had a phone call with her last week that I interpreted as a bit judgmental.  She asked me how the dilators were going, and I said it was ok and I was progressing but that it wasn’t great.  she commented “well keep trying because it’s been a few months”.  I interpreted that as her saying I haven’t progressed enough because I haven’t been trying hard enough.  I’m worried that when I have some pain with the exam (which I will because my muscles/anxiety hate stirrups), she will think I haven’t been trying hard enough with the dilators and imply I haven’t progressed enough. But that’s not the only reason that I think she will judge me…

Last friday night I got super wasted at a really ratchet lingerie party.  The party was awesome but that’s besides the point.  There was this shirtless dude wearing a construction belt that held whipped cream and chocolate syrup and various other goodies.  He started talking to me, and I was all omg male attention for the first time in forever!  I was drunk, he was hot, and they never told me I couldn’t try anything… I figured hey, if they give me a bucket of dilators and tell me to go nuts then how detrimental can trying to have sex be?  I just really wanted to give it a try.

So we are back at my place, things were going fine and I was feeling optimistic.  He whipped it out and it was nothing to be intimidated by.  We lubed it up and he tried to put it in, but needless to say it didn’t go very well.  I could get it in a few inches but the burning was bad and it really hurt.  We did other stuff then tried again later and it still wouldn’t go in.  Don’t worry though, I wasn’t trying for very long, so I did kind of listen to my body.  We hooked up in other ways for a while afterwards, so he wasn’t pissed or anything.  I was a little anxious about how much discomfort I had, but realized that I was probably way more tense than I thought I was.  I don’t think I’ll be trying again till my muscles are more ready.  At the end of the day I’m glad I had my first unsuccessful attempt.  I was curious already, so it was inevitable that it would happen eventually, and now I know what will happen if I try again before I am ready.

I’m nervous to tell my doctor about it.  I feel like I should just to be safe, but I’m afraid she will tell me that I am dumb.  Doctors don’t get me.  I will update you guys on how the appointment goes and on whether or not I get a lecture.  I will leave you with this piece of wisdom:  When in doubt, have sex with a rando.  I should write a book…. Bye guys!!!!

 

Casually Dilating in My Apartment

Hi Guys!!!

Did you miss me?  I’ve been doing some pretty hardcore schoolwork and not thinking about my vagina 24/7.  Being back at school and getting into the swing of things has been crazy, but I still manage to find time to use these darn pieces of dick shaped plastic.  In my case I guess you would call them unfortunately small dick sized plastic.  

Now I’m pretty open with my roommates about my condition.  I don’t parade around naked showing them surgery diagrams but they know what’s up.  I decided to go the honest route and discuss my daily PT routine with them, so that they don’t think I’m hogging their bathroom for various other reasons.  It’s still kind of weird, but I try to be subtle about it.  

Things are going better than they were when I last posted.  I’m only on size small, but I’m feeling more hopeful.  I am more confident that my problems are more muscle than skin now, which was a big source of my anxiety.  I’m pretty sure the small amount of raw pain on the inside is from scar tissue.  Have any of you dealt with lingering scar tissue, and if so what did it feel like?  Most of the pain comes from the fact that the muscles really don’t want to open.  When I try to insert it for the first time, it feels like I am hitting a wall, but once I relax a little bit it goes in.  Even then it feels like the muscles really don’t want to be separated.  After I leave it in for a minute or so it becomes more comfortable, and I can move it around without too much discomfort.  

The thing that worries me is the lack of progress from day to day.  I have a more realistic view of the timeline I’m supposed to be on, but it is still disconcerting to feel the same discomfort every day that I use them.  I’m hoping the graph of my progress will be discontinuous, and have dramatic upward trends at various points in time.  BAM I made a metaphor, look how skilled in literacy I am!!  Ok well I guess it’s not really a metaphor, more of a visual description of a mental graph!  It’s a science metaphor!  

Let’s move on to discussing my love life.

*cricket cricket*

Ok moving on to my potential hookup life!  This “revirginizing” thing is annoying.  A guy that I used to hook up with started booty calling me again, and I’ve obviously been making up excuses for now.  I’m totally aware that it will take a lot of time to heal, but I’m still debating what comes next.  On the one hand, this is a unique opportunity to revirginize (as I’ve never used my NEW vagina before), but on the other hand I miss having sex.  And on the other other hand this guy is really hot… Well, to be honest he’s a bit of a butterface but his body greatly makes up for it.  He’s also kind of a pretentious douchebag… which apparently is still my type.  It’s all ok though, because douchery doesn’t usually shine through in the dark.  

Sigh, life decisions are hard.  Keep reading to find out if I end up crawling back to my randos!  Spoiler Alert: (jk there are no spoiler alerts in life!)  Feel free to comment anything you’d like!  You can say hi, give me a heads up on something you’d like to see in my blog, or write me a haiku if you want to be mu favorite!  

Thanks for reading, you guys are the best!

Dilator Struggles

So I thought the dilators would be a piece of cake!  I was always able to have sex (not good sex, but it still counts), so I assumed that sticking a marker sized piece of plastic up there wouldn’t be that bad. I was wrong.  It’s not that painful at all, just more so than i’d like it to be.  I don’t feel the burning pain (which i’d hope) but there is still pain at the opening, and other places.  I assume the opening is the tightest place, which is why there is discomfort there.

 I’m just frustrated because A. I don’t really understand the pain even though it’s probably normal, which makes me really anxious, and B. I’m losing confidence that i’ll ever be able to have sex again.  Maybe the surgery traumatized my vagina so much that it tries to block out any intruders now.  It sucks because I can breathe and try to relax and it doesn’t change anything.  I probably shouldn’t be freaking out since I’ve only been using them for a week… but that doesn’t stop me.  I keep thinking about how my doctor said she wanted to be able to stick two fingers in comfortably by my next exam.  I don’t feel confident about that happening. 

3 days ago (when I was on the dilator that is smaller then a regular sized tampon), I did a q tip test on myself and was really happy with the results.  It didn’t hurt!  It’s obviously not comfortable to be poked with a q tip but there was no burning pain.  This made me really hopeful for a few days, and the success I had with the tiny dilator didn’t hurt either.  It wasn’t an entirely false sense of hope though.  I know how huge of a deal the q tip thing is, I’m just really nervous. 

Another thing that annoys me is the way they name the sizes.  The first one was an XS, which was totally appropriate.  When I opened the next one up, it was noticeably bigger then the first, but the box said XS+… Really dilator company?  Extra small plus!?  That just makes us feel lame!  I’d feel better about struggling with a small, but an extra small plus!?  Maybe they think it’s funny.  It makes a little bit of sense due to the variability on the upper range of sizes, but still!  They have some really huge dilators out there… Those poor women who have to give themselves physical therapy to take their mens dicks.  Or maybe they are into that, I don’t know.  I guess bigger is better for people with normal vaginas, but that just seems excessive.  

I haven’t really seen blogs where they go into detail about dilator use, so if any of you have seen posts about this please enlighten me!  That’s all i’ve got for now.  I’ve got to wake up early tomorrow for the dentist.  After years of panful vag exams, the dentist doesn’t seem as scary (knock on wood).  Goodnight!