The Big One Year Update

Hi Everyone!

I’ve been waiting for my one year anniversary to post about some of the things that have been happening.  I’ll start with what has happened since my last post about my unsuccessful drunk sex with a rando.

The Good:

After that unsuccessful attempt, I started up with the dilators again in hopes that they would help.  After a couple short weeks using the dilators, I actually had pain free sex that lasted longer than 10 seconds (the length of my last pain free event).  The sex was probably no longer than four minutes, so who knows if the pain would have started had it gone on for longer.

The Bad:

After that I was feeling pretty confident!  I must be cured right?  Wrong…  I stopped using the dilators after that guy, because I had little motivation.  About a month later I reunited with an old friend.  This was no normal old friend, this is the old friend that is ok looking in high school then reaches beach model status in college.  We all have THAT friend.  Luckily for me, I had invested in him when he wasn’t as cute, so he still found me attractive.  He was SUPER hot, so I figured that I’d be into it and everything would go fine.  I was wrong.  He had two things going against him.  1. He was quite large, and 2. he had crazy stamina.  I wonder what it is like to be a normal girl and enjoy those things…  Things were good at first, but after about 5 minutes it started to hurt.  PERSPECTIVE:  before the surgery it would take about 30 seconds for it to hurt, and the pain was obviously worse.  Needless to say, this experience left me discouraged.

The Rest

I still have hope that using the dilators more regularly (or having sex more regularly) could help me.  Unfortunately I still am not in possession of a good test dummy.  I decided not to find someone for this sole purpose, it is just too weird.  Instead I will just have to see what comes along.  I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow, which actually inspired me to write this blog post.  Hopefully she can give me some insight.

Summary

Regardless of my mix of successes and struggles, the surgery did work.  My skin issues are *knock on wood* gone, and my remaining issues are most likely muscular.  This year has been frustrating and confusing, but I’m far from giving up the hope to have a normal sex life one day.

Thanks so much for your support!  I love reading your comments so feel free to drop one if you have any thoughts!  Always feel free to email me at surgeryswag@gmail.com.  Yes that is a real email, no I did not make it when I was high on Percocet.

Bye for now!

Drunk Sex 1, Me 0

Hi Guys!!

Apparently my vestibulectomy blog is now a sex blog… Which is cool I guess if you are into that.  For those of you who think this blog has taken a turn for the worse, at least you have all of my actually informative archives!  And for those of you who are interested in me sexual escapades you have found the right place!

A couple of weeks ago I brought a rando home from a party.  He was pretty decent looking, but nothing special (sorry dude).  Moral of the story, the sex was horrible and really hurt after a while (but not for pre surgery reasons).  Before the surgery, I attributed all my sex problems to nerve pain, and now I am realizing that that wasn’t necessarily true.

I’m not really sure where the issues came from.  It could have been the fact that this guy apparently doesn’t know what foreplay is, it could have been that I wasn’t into it, it could have been that I hadn’t used the dilators in months, or it could have been some unicorn in the sky trying to curse me for trying to have a good time.  This experience really freaked me out at first, because it made me realize that I may not have as good of a handle on the problem as I thought I did.  With more thought I stopped freaking out and decided to try using the dilators again in the hopes that it would change something.

I started using them a couple times a week, but then gave up due to a lack of prospects.  I think the I need a new strategy.  Before, I was looking for randos at parties and on tinder to hook up with and test things out, but now I think I need to look for more of a sex test dummy.  He doesn’t even have to be that cute, just a person who I can explain my situation to, and hook up with multiple times as a test.  Maybe I can find a boy who needs community service hours…

It has almost been a year since my surgery and after my previous celibate semester and failed attempts this semester it seems that I won’t be able to really get a handle on this problem for a while.  I’ve been too busy with graduate school applications to care much about boys anyway.  That is it for now!  Wish me luck on my more serious quest to find a test dummy rando!

You Can Take The Hyperactive Nerve Endings Out Of The Girl, But You Can’t Take The Hyperactive Nerves Out Of The Girl

Hi Darling Blog Followers!

Well last night I hooked up with this guy I used to hook up with a while ago. I think I mentioned him once briefly. We were hanging out for a while and had this interaction:

Boy- “you’re being hesitant”

Me- “I’m not being hesitant I’m just waiting for you to make a move”

Boy – “I haven’t made a move yet because you are so tense.”

…I’m sorry can you not?   He kept telling me that I need to relax, which of course made it even harder for me to relax. I honestly felt fine before he said that, I wasn’t even nervous.   These exchanges continued a bit but eventually I just did The Naked Man play and everything was fine. If you have never heard of The Naked Man, go watch all 9 seasons of how I met your mother and thank me later. Actually just skip season 9 and make up your own ending. Clearly I’m still bitter. Anyways I made my move and we were hooking up, until he started being annoying again.   First he decided it was sexy to viciously attack me with his teeth. This was not only extremely unpleasant, but left a mark. Are we 16 again?   I was dead sober (the first time I had sex after the surgery I was wasted), and of course my entire body clenched when he tried to finger me (I still hate that word).   He asked if I was ok and I said, “yeah it’s just a conditioned response”. He had the audacity to reply “it’s not hot when a girl is so nervous”. Thanks man, that’s real sweet of you.

Moving on, I was giving him head for like 10 seconds and he finished. We were chillin and he was like “oh did I just cum? I didn’t notice”. I’m sorry what??? Is that a thing??   Next he just fell asleep, leaving me confused and slightly insulted. I really know how to pick em. At this point it was 5am and I really wasn’t feeling this guy anymore so I woke him up to politely kick him out. As he was leaving he revealed that he was “still hammered”, which explains a lot. Why do I only have sex with drunk guys…

I was left pretty disconcerted from this experience. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel comfortable with a guy, it’s never really happened before. If one more person says “maybe you aren’t looking in the right places” or “you just haven’t met the right person” I’m going to kill them. OBVIOUSLY I haven’t met the right person I’m not some 35 year old crying because she is still alone. I literally just want to be able to be comfortable around the guys I’m hanging out or hooking up with.

Maybe my only hope is being drunk every time I have sex. Maybe the negative associations are too strong to be rewritten. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be able to have sex, but I think it’s too early to expect to enjoy it. Sex to me might always have to be a performance, instead of an experience.

THANKS FOR PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!  Write me a comment because I’ll get an email notification and be really excited!

Getting It In (Or Nah)

Hi Guys!!!

I’ve missed you! How have y’all been? I guess it’s been about 3 and a half months since my surgery.  Time really flies when you’re not spending every second in bed watching How I Met Your Mother and having your meals brought to you on a tray!  I’m going to start this post by filling you in on my personal life (although let’s be real, that just means my academic life), and then get into the fun vagina stuff!

I’m coming up on the middle of the semester, and things don’t suck!  My classes are going well, I did well (enough) on my GREs, and my boss is still critical and obnoxious but hey that’s life.  Things with the roomies are rocky as one of them is slowly turning into a loud obnoxious alcoholic, but what can you do?  They think it’s really funny that I lock myself in my room every day to do PT, which it is.

Things with the dilators aren’t perfect, but they are significantly better than when I last posted.  I am now on the medium size!!  That’s a little smaller than a dick so good news!  The bad news is that the muscles are still really tight and burn when I first put the dilators in, but then it gets better as I leave them in for a bit.  The burning freaked me out a little since I always associate burning with vestibulitis, but I read on some message boards that it is normal and just a part of re training the muscles.  

I have a doctors appointment on Monday and am a little bit worried.  I had a phone call with her last week that I interpreted as a bit judgmental.  She asked me how the dilators were going, and I said it was ok and I was progressing but that it wasn’t great.  she commented “well keep trying because it’s been a few months”.  I interpreted that as her saying I haven’t progressed enough because I haven’t been trying hard enough.  I’m worried that when I have some pain with the exam (which I will because my muscles/anxiety hate stirrups), she will think I haven’t been trying hard enough with the dilators and imply I haven’t progressed enough. But that’s not the only reason that I think she will judge me…

Last friday night I got super wasted at a really ratchet lingerie party.  The party was awesome but that’s besides the point.  There was this shirtless dude wearing a construction belt that held whipped cream and chocolate syrup and various other goodies.  He started talking to me, and I was all omg male attention for the first time in forever!  I was drunk, he was hot, and they never told me I couldn’t try anything… I figured hey, if they give me a bucket of dilators and tell me to go nuts then how detrimental can trying to have sex be?  I just really wanted to give it a try.

So we are back at my place, things were going fine and I was feeling optimistic.  He whipped it out and it was nothing to be intimidated by.  We lubed it up and he tried to put it in, but needless to say it didn’t go very well.  I could get it in a few inches but the burning was bad and it really hurt.  We did other stuff then tried again later and it still wouldn’t go in.  Don’t worry though, I wasn’t trying for very long, so I did kind of listen to my body.  We hooked up in other ways for a while afterwards, so he wasn’t pissed or anything.  I was a little anxious about how much discomfort I had, but realized that I was probably way more tense than I thought I was.  I don’t think I’ll be trying again till my muscles are more ready.  At the end of the day I’m glad I had my first unsuccessful attempt.  I was curious already, so it was inevitable that it would happen eventually, and now I know what will happen if I try again before I am ready.

I’m nervous to tell my doctor about it.  I feel like I should just to be safe, but I’m afraid she will tell me that I am dumb.  Doctors don’t get me.  I will update you guys on how the appointment goes and on whether or not I get a lecture.  I will leave you with this piece of wisdom:  When in doubt, have sex with a rando.  I should write a book…. Bye guys!!!!

 

Casually Dilating in My Apartment

Hi Guys!!!

Did you miss me?  I’ve been doing some pretty hardcore schoolwork and not thinking about my vagina 24/7.  Being back at school and getting into the swing of things has been crazy, but I still manage to find time to use these darn pieces of dick shaped plastic.  In my case I guess you would call them unfortunately small dick sized plastic.  

Now I’m pretty open with my roommates about my condition.  I don’t parade around naked showing them surgery diagrams but they know what’s up.  I decided to go the honest route and discuss my daily PT routine with them, so that they don’t think I’m hogging their bathroom for various other reasons.  It’s still kind of weird, but I try to be subtle about it.  

Things are going better than they were when I last posted.  I’m only on size small, but I’m feeling more hopeful.  I am more confident that my problems are more muscle than skin now, which was a big source of my anxiety.  I’m pretty sure the small amount of raw pain on the inside is from scar tissue.  Have any of you dealt with lingering scar tissue, and if so what did it feel like?  Most of the pain comes from the fact that the muscles really don’t want to open.  When I try to insert it for the first time, it feels like I am hitting a wall, but once I relax a little bit it goes in.  Even then it feels like the muscles really don’t want to be separated.  After I leave it in for a minute or so it becomes more comfortable, and I can move it around without too much discomfort.  

The thing that worries me is the lack of progress from day to day.  I have a more realistic view of the timeline I’m supposed to be on, but it is still disconcerting to feel the same discomfort every day that I use them.  I’m hoping the graph of my progress will be discontinuous, and have dramatic upward trends at various points in time.  BAM I made a metaphor, look how skilled in literacy I am!!  Ok well I guess it’s not really a metaphor, more of a visual description of a mental graph!  It’s a science metaphor!  

Let’s move on to discussing my love life.

*cricket cricket*

Ok moving on to my potential hookup life!  This “revirginizing” thing is annoying.  A guy that I used to hook up with started booty calling me again, and I’ve obviously been making up excuses for now.  I’m totally aware that it will take a lot of time to heal, but I’m still debating what comes next.  On the one hand, this is a unique opportunity to revirginize (as I’ve never used my NEW vagina before), but on the other hand I miss having sex.  And on the other other hand this guy is really hot… Well, to be honest he’s a bit of a butterface but his body greatly makes up for it.  He’s also kind of a pretentious douchebag… which apparently is still my type.  It’s all ok though, because douchery doesn’t usually shine through in the dark.  

Sigh, life decisions are hard.  Keep reading to find out if I end up crawling back to my randos!  Spoiler Alert: (jk there are no spoiler alerts in life!)  Feel free to comment anything you’d like!  You can say hi, give me a heads up on something you’d like to see in my blog, or write me a haiku if you want to be mu favorite!  

Thanks for reading, you guys are the best!

When You Tell A Guy That You Have A Sexual Pain Disorder…

There are many reasons that one may disclose this sacred piece of information.  #1, you are seeing someone and want to be open and honest with them about your issues to make sure that they are sensitive to them before entering the bedroom.  I’m not so good at that one… #2, When a guy tries to stick his fingers in places you reeeeally don’t want them. #3, When your acting skills aren’t up to par and you have made yet another dumb boy feel inadequate about his sexual abilities.  “it’s not you it’s me!”.  

I have a lot of experience with 3, ok and some with 2. There are a series of stages that a dude goes through when information is disclosed in this way (don’t ask me about the first one I don’t know any sensitive guys i’m 21). Here are the stages, from a man’s perspective.  STAGE ONE:  Confusion, like why isn’t this girl diggin my lovin?  is that even possible?  clearly i’m the sex god of the frat world. STAGE TWO: Guilt.  Hmm even though i’m a douchebag I don’t really wanna physically hurt this girl even though she says its ok. STAGE THREE: Bargaining. Well it’ll be ok, she says she’ll tell me if it hurts too much.  STAGE FOUR: Doubt. Hmm, this girl just told me that she has a medical condition where she is unable to enjoy sex… yea no its my fault she didn’t have a good time, blah blah insecure about performance blah.  STAGE FIVE: Reassured.  Oh aight this girl says i was mighty fine and she totally would have had a good time if it weren’t for an excess of nerve endings.  

Moral of the story, it sucks making guys feel inadequate, but sometimes it’s amusing.  

Anyways, today I had a facebook chat convo with a guy I hooked up with in a freshman dorm hall shower.  He has weirdly vivid memories of that night because i’m a little out of his league.  He implied I didn’t enjoy it as much as he did and I was like yea sex hurts for me cause X, Y, Z… He seemed confused and concerned, until I said these words that I have never really said to a guy before.  It’s ok, I got something done to fix it.  For a split second I forgot about the surgery.  I was just that same girl explaining to guys why they don’t actually suck in bed.  It was so great to realize that I might not be that girl anymore.  

Why I Want My One Night Stands Back

I’m gonna say some things now.  They won’t be filtered or even relevant necessarily.  If you are judgmental or don’t feel like reading the struggles of a promiscuous college student with a sexual pain disorder, then you may want to stop reading. 

When I decided to do the surgery, I thought one of two things would happen if it was a success. 1. I would sleep around more because I can, or 2. I would decide that sex meant more to me than various one night stands.  Clearly the second option is more respectable, more logical, more acceptable, but it isn’t me.  

Removal of a piece of skin can’t change who I am, or what I want, or what I am emotionally ready for.   I’m a firm believer in the fact that people can’t change unless they are truly ready, and i’m not ready.  I’m not ready to give up my one night stands, i’m not ready to stop taking risks, and I am most certainly not ready to be the person who only has sex with someone who cares about them.  I’m not ready to be cared about.

Waiting for something serious means waiting a long time.  I’m 21, and I don’t fall for every guy I meet like most 20 somethings out there do.  I’m an extremely sensitive person, and when I get hurt, I get destroyed.  I don’t want to be destroyed anymore, I want to grow up and feel strong enough to hold my own in a relationship and not crumble.  I want to enjoy being young while it lasts, and I refuse to waste my time grieving failed relationships that I wasn’t ready for in the first place. There is no formula for reaching a level of personal growth high enough to have a genuinely healthy relationship.  All there is, is time, and I need a lot of it.  So I’m not looking for someone to have meaningful emotionally secure sex with right now.

My various hookups are a part of who I am.  I enjoy casual relationships. I love inviting a guy over, drinking, hooking up, and maybe playing some video games after.  I also love my one night stands.  They make me feel accomplished, confident, sexy, and strong.  Why is that so wrong?  Why does it have to seem like a sign of unresolved issues or low self esteem to enjoy casual sex?  And why should I give this up just because I had surgery to fix my sex problems?

Of course there is the whole pain issue in this.  I’m lucky in the sense that I can physically have sex, even with my condition.  I am also lucky, because it’s not brutal and traumatic for me, as it is for many women.  Sometimes it really hurts, and sometimes it’s really not that bad.  My pain increases gradually.  I am usually kind of ok at the beginning, then it gets worse the longer it lasts.  Sometimes I make them stop and just give them head, but on better days I can make it through without it being too bad.  Of course “not that bad” isn’t an accomplishment for most “normal” women, but it’s all I know.  Maybe my promiscuous ways are attempts to be self destructive.  But maybe they are just me, not letting the pain control me and hold me back. 

I can either wait for something meaningful, and wait a long time, or just keep doing what I’m doing (when i’m ready of course).  They each have their pros and cons.  I don’t know what I am going to do yet, but I do know that I have to decide.  I refuse to “yolo it” and just impulsively decide to do something I may regret.  I will make a decision when the time is right.  Of course its more complicated then option one or option two, as there is no way for me to know what I’m going to encounter.  The only thing I know for certain, is that I would miss my one night stands. 

 

3 Weeks Post Op: Happy New Year!

Hey Everyone!

Well three weeks ago I was under the knife!  It feels like such a long time ago that I was freaking out and reading everyone else’s blogs and stocking up on pillows.  Anyways, here’s my update!

I’m not really in pain anymore, I just have this burning itching feeling still.  It’s not constant, just when I walk around a lot, or wake up, or  sometimes it even randomly occurs.  The only time I feel actual pain is if I am standing or moving around way too much… which I guess I sometimes do.  EXCITING NEWS: This means i’m off painkillers!!!  Even though the motrin helped me with the burning and itching too, I’m trying to do without them for the sake of my stomach.  

I’m a ton more mobile then before!  I can walk around a lot and even drive!! I still try not to sit up perfectly straight, but if I lean on one hip or sit cross legged i can manage on any normal chair.  I went out to a new years get together last night with some old friends from high school.  It was so great being out, and I managed to be sitting most of the time so everything worked out ok.  Most of the people there knew about the surgery, but didn’t know exactly what it was for.  I was definitely more sore when I woke up today, but it was totally worth it! 

My family is back from london now!  It’s nice to have them all home again, annoying as they are.  It’s a good thing that i was doing better when they got home, because I didn’t want them to feel bad about having to leave me.  We made plans last summer to go on this london trip with my extended family.  That was around the same time that i was deciding if I was going to do the surgery or not.  My mom was really concerned about what to do with the trip, and was considering not going so she could stay home with me (even though they weren’t scheduled to leave until 9 days after the procedure).  Last summer I convinced her that she should go, so it was important to me to show her that I really was fine.

I hope you all had a good new years!  Till next time! 

 

Why Is Everyone Screwing All The Time!?

This post will deviate from my usual recovery update.  I will probably post one of those tomorrow.  A point was brought to my attention as I was loafing on the couch watching tv for 2 weeks.  Sex is literally everywhere.  Now don’t get me wrong, i’m a hip youth who knows what’s up, and obviously i’ve been immersed in our hyper sexualized media for most of my life.  However, at this particular moment of my life, I see it a bit differently.

Aside from just the media, all anyone talks about is who they are screwing, where they are screwing, how often they are screwing.  Do you have no other life!?  Why don’t you tell me about school, or your family, or your dog, or your career goals!?  Ok now saying that on paper I realize why sex is the obvious conversational topic… 

Disclaimer: I’m about to make some generalizations so get ready!  

For “normal people” (people without sexual pain disorders), this hypersexualization of culture is not something to complain about.  Either you are 1. a part of it, having fun, going out, trying to do everyone. 2. In a relationship where you can screw the same person all the time (snooze), or 3. You have chosen by your own free will not to engage in this extracurricular activity.  These people have every reason to embrace, or at least tolerate the culture.  #3 is a little iffy, but just because you choose one way doesn’t mean you get to protest what is broadcasted to everyone else.

For people with pain disorders it’s obviously different.  Sex is dangled over our heads on every channel you turn to (except nickelodeon, even though I always suspected that something was going on with spongebob and sandy). It’s also dangled in front of us by our friends, family, coworkers, you name it they are probably screwing someone and probably telling you about it.  It would be bad enough to struggle silently with our painful sex lives, and keep our issues confined to the bedroom.  Instead, our issues stem over to the tv, the lunchroom, the club, the freshman dorms, and I could go on.  Basically everywhere we go, there will inevitably be some mention of sex, and some reminder that we are broken.

 I believe that this is one of the reasons that sexual pain disorders take such a huge toll on people’s lives.  As if the strained relationships, feelings of inadequacy, and actual pain weren’t enough, we also have to endure being constantly reminded of how we are missing out and failing at one of the seemingly most important parts of life.  

I’ve met people who judge me for going through with an extreme procedure just so I can have sex.  There are people who think I need to get my priorities straight, there are people who think it’s not worth it, there are even people who think it makes me a one track minded slut.  They can think what they want.  Only those who have suffered understand the true urgency to heal. Only they can understand how truly difficult it is to live in a culture dominated by something that causes them so much pain. 

 

12 Days Post Op: Don’t Accidentally Run Up The Stairs

Hi Guys!

Thanks again for tuning in to my struggle story!  Last time I checked in with you I was doing a lot better with the pain, and moving around a bit more.  Good news: that is still true!  Bad news: I may have overdone it when I started to feel better.  

Either the itching really isn’t as bad as I expected, or I still haven’t gotten to that stage.  For anyone reading this who had the procedure, did you go through a really bad itching stage?  and if so, when?  

Standing and walking still hurt, but only when I’m on a low dose of pain meds, and it’s only a 3/10 anyway.  My problem is that I have times when i’ll walk a little too much or stand for too long when I’m at peak dose on my pain meds.  This causes me to be in more pain later.  Then the cycle repeats…

Yesterday I was doing a lot better!  Very minimal pain and I was walking much more easily.  I even had a friend over.  I got a little too excited to be up and walking though, and I definitely overdid it.  I was standing for a while trying to set up food, and went down stairs for the first time.  There was one moment where I forgot I was recovering and everything seemed normal.  I even accidentally tried to run up the stairs (just a natural impulse), then realized that was a bad idea.  I woke up this morning in more pain then i’ve been in the last couple days.  Now i’m back to leaning on walls when I walk to the bathroom.  I’m sure that if I take it easier today, tomorrow will be better. 

So to all you out there having the procedure soon, or those of you who just had it, here is a lesson.  DON’T decide you are invincible the second you become more mobile, because it’s just an illusion. That being said, I’m still really happy with the place that I’m in.

P.S. go check out the poll I posted in my last post!!  Looking for some valuable feedback!