The Big One Year Update
Hi Everyone!
I’ve been waiting for my one year anniversary to post about some of the things that have been happening. I’ll start with what has happened since my last post about my unsuccessful drunk sex with a rando.
The Good:
After that unsuccessful attempt, I started up with the dilators again in hopes that they would help. After a couple short weeks using the dilators, I actually had pain free sex that lasted longer than 10 seconds (the length of my last pain free event). The sex was probably no longer than four minutes, so who knows if the pain would have started had it gone on for longer.
The Bad:
After that I was feeling pretty confident! I must be cured right? Wrong… I stopped using the dilators after that guy, because I had little motivation. About a month later I reunited with an old friend. This was no normal old friend, this is the old friend that is ok looking in high school then reaches beach model status in college. We all have THAT friend. Luckily for me, I had invested in him when he wasn’t as cute, so he still found me attractive. He was SUPER hot, so I figured that I’d be into it and everything would go fine. I was wrong. He had two things going against him. 1. He was quite large, and 2. he had crazy stamina. I wonder what it is like to be a normal girl and enjoy those things… Things were good at first, but after about 5 minutes it started to hurt. PERSPECTIVE: before the surgery it would take about 30 seconds for it to hurt, and the pain was obviously worse. Needless to say, this experience left me discouraged.
The Rest
I still have hope that using the dilators more regularly (or having sex more regularly) could help me. Unfortunately I still am not in possession of a good test dummy. I decided not to find someone for this sole purpose, it is just too weird. Instead I will just have to see what comes along. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow, which actually inspired me to write this blog post. Hopefully she can give me some insight.
Summary
Regardless of my mix of successes and struggles, the surgery did work. My skin issues are *knock on wood* gone, and my remaining issues are most likely muscular. This year has been frustrating and confusing, but I’m far from giving up the hope to have a normal sex life one day.
Thanks so much for your support! I love reading your comments so feel free to drop one if you have any thoughts! Always feel free to email me at surgeryswag@gmail.com. Yes that is a real email, no I did not make it when I was high on Percocet.
Bye for now!
When You Tell A Guy That You Have A Sexual Pain Disorder…
There are many reasons that one may disclose this sacred piece of information. #1, you are seeing someone and want to be open and honest with them about your issues to make sure that they are sensitive to them before entering the bedroom. I’m not so good at that one… #2, When a guy tries to stick his fingers in places you reeeeally don’t want them. #3, When your acting skills aren’t up to par and you have made yet another dumb boy feel inadequate about his sexual abilities. “it’s not you it’s me!”.
I have a lot of experience with 3, ok and some with 2. There are a series of stages that a dude goes through when information is disclosed in this way (don’t ask me about the first one I don’t know any sensitive guys i’m 21). Here are the stages, from a man’s perspective. STAGE ONE: Confusion, like why isn’t this girl diggin my lovin? is that even possible? clearly i’m the sex god of the frat world. STAGE TWO: Guilt. Hmm even though i’m a douchebag I don’t really wanna physically hurt this girl even though she says its ok. STAGE THREE: Bargaining. Well it’ll be ok, she says she’ll tell me if it hurts too much. STAGE FOUR: Doubt. Hmm, this girl just told me that she has a medical condition where she is unable to enjoy sex… yea no its my fault she didn’t have a good time, blah blah insecure about performance blah. STAGE FIVE: Reassured. Oh aight this girl says i was mighty fine and she totally would have had a good time if it weren’t for an excess of nerve endings.
Moral of the story, it sucks making guys feel inadequate, but sometimes it’s amusing.
Anyways, today I had a facebook chat convo with a guy I hooked up with in a freshman dorm hall shower. He has weirdly vivid memories of that night because i’m a little out of his league. He implied I didn’t enjoy it as much as he did and I was like yea sex hurts for me cause X, Y, Z… He seemed confused and concerned, until I said these words that I have never really said to a guy before. It’s ok, I got something done to fix it. For a split second I forgot about the surgery. I was just that same girl explaining to guys why they don’t actually suck in bed. It was so great to realize that I might not be that girl anymore.
3 Weeks Post Op: Happy New Year!
Hey Everyone!
Well three weeks ago I was under the knife! It feels like such a long time ago that I was freaking out and reading everyone else’s blogs and stocking up on pillows. Anyways, here’s my update!
I’m not really in pain anymore, I just have this burning itching feeling still. It’s not constant, just when I walk around a lot, or wake up, or sometimes it even randomly occurs. The only time I feel actual pain is if I am standing or moving around way too much… which I guess I sometimes do. EXCITING NEWS: This means i’m off painkillers!!! Even though the motrin helped me with the burning and itching too, I’m trying to do without them for the sake of my stomach.
I’m a ton more mobile then before! I can walk around a lot and even drive!! I still try not to sit up perfectly straight, but if I lean on one hip or sit cross legged i can manage on any normal chair. I went out to a new years get together last night with some old friends from high school. It was so great being out, and I managed to be sitting most of the time so everything worked out ok. Most of the people there knew about the surgery, but didn’t know exactly what it was for. I was definitely more sore when I woke up today, but it was totally worth it!
My family is back from london now! It’s nice to have them all home again, annoying as they are. It’s a good thing that i was doing better when they got home, because I didn’t want them to feel bad about having to leave me. We made plans last summer to go on this london trip with my extended family. That was around the same time that i was deciding if I was going to do the surgery or not. My mom was really concerned about what to do with the trip, and was considering not going so she could stay home with me (even though they weren’t scheduled to leave until 9 days after the procedure). Last summer I convinced her that she should go, so it was important to me to show her that I really was fine.
I hope you all had a good new years! Till next time!
12 Days Post Op: Don’t Accidentally Run Up The Stairs
Hi Guys!
Thanks again for tuning in to my struggle story! Last time I checked in with you I was doing a lot better with the pain, and moving around a bit more. Good news: that is still true! Bad news: I may have overdone it when I started to feel better.
Either the itching really isn’t as bad as I expected, or I still haven’t gotten to that stage. For anyone reading this who had the procedure, did you go through a really bad itching stage? and if so, when?
Standing and walking still hurt, but only when I’m on a low dose of pain meds, and it’s only a 3/10 anyway. My problem is that I have times when i’ll walk a little too much or stand for too long when I’m at peak dose on my pain meds. This causes me to be in more pain later. Then the cycle repeats…
Yesterday I was doing a lot better! Very minimal pain and I was walking much more easily. I even had a friend over. I got a little too excited to be up and walking though, and I definitely overdid it. I was standing for a while trying to set up food, and went down stairs for the first time. There was one moment where I forgot I was recovering and everything seemed normal. I even accidentally tried to run up the stairs (just a natural impulse), then realized that was a bad idea. I woke up this morning in more pain then i’ve been in the last couple days. Now i’m back to leaning on walls when I walk to the bathroom. I’m sure that if I take it easier today, tomorrow will be better.
So to all you out there having the procedure soon, or those of you who just had it, here is a lesson. DON’T decide you are invincible the second you become more mobile, because it’s just an illusion. That being said, I’m still really happy with the place that I’m in.
P.S. go check out the poll I posted in my last post!! Looking for some valuable feedback!
8 Days Post Op: A Turning Point (Maybe)
Hi Guys!
Today wasn’t bad at all. The pain was super manageable and I could even space my meds out to be 6 hours in between doses instead of 4! I walked to the kitchen and living room without a lot of pain! If i’m sitting still and at a high point for my dose of Motrin I can hardly even feel anything. Ok well a twinge of pain just got me for writing that…
THAT BEING SAID, I have read many a blog with a hopeful optimistic post, then NOPE CHUCK TESTA, they spoke too soon. So I am knocking on wood and including the disclaimer: I think that this is a turning point but am fully aware of the possibility that I will feel worse tomorrow. … now you all know how superstitious I clearly am not. P.S. If you didn’t get my chuck testa reference please youtube “chuck testa” and thank me later.
I’ve heard that the itching comes next and I’m really not excited for that… Maybe I will just ice it 24/7 again. There is still that really disconcerting pulling feeling that I get with my stitches whenever I move. It’s not even that uncomfortable at this point, it just freaks me out. I still don’t get why it hurts to stand, walking makes sense, but standing?
In other news my family actually is leaving for a London trip tomorrow, so I’ll be all alone in the states. Well not really alone… We have someone working in the house (feeding the couch potato kids and such), and she’ll be coming to check on me and bring me food! Don’t judge I still can’t really walk or stand for that long!
I gave myself a speech last night about how I have to act super fine today so my mom wouldn’t worry about leaving me. Turns out it wasn’t an act! It’s like faking sick then getting sick, but the opposite.
There is this “add poll” option at the top and that sounds fun! We are going to have some reader participation! Woooo! If you fill out the poll it will make me super happy!
Thanks so much for reading and don’t hesitate to comment or shoot me an email if you feel so inclined!
6 Days Post Op: I’m a Strong Independent Woman And I CAN Go To The Kitchen And Make Cereal!
Ok, the truth is I’m not all that strong OR independent right now, but I DID go to the kitchen today and make cereal! I felt really weak and groggy today since the meds have been taking a toll on my stomach and I haven’t been eating. When the clock struck 2:00 and I realized i’d only had one egg and a piece of toast all day, I thought Hmm, i should eat more. Unfortunately I was home alone for that hour, and had ran out of crackers by my bedside. I decided to venture to the kitchen and get food myself! This was only kind of an accomplishment. Technically I can walk, it just pulls on the stitches and hurts a lot afterwards. That was still true today, but hey at least I tried.
Today I will start the first segment of… Let’s Talk About My Personal Life! I will talk about topic B today, as requested! Here is the story of the really fun trajectory of all my pain issues.
When I was 16 I had my first “hookup”. Fun fact, my first kiss and first blow job were during the same event! You could say I was a late bloomer but quick to catch up! That day was the first time I ever experienced any pain (aside from random twinges of pain that I assumed were normal). We didn’t have sex or anything, just the usual 16 year olds messing around stuff. I remember assuming that the pain was normal.
My junior year of high school I hooked up with a lot of guys, and I started to realize what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. Whenever guys touched me down there in any way it was just painful. I would usually grit my teeth and bare it because I didn’t want to be honest and tell them I wasn’t enjoying it. I was told by one guy repeatedly that I needed to relax, and I started to think it was just my anxiety acting up, and that tensing up was causing the pain.
At the end of junior year I had sex for the first time, and it was horrible. It took a few tries to even get it to work, but eventually it did and it was not a fun time. I knew your first time was supposed to hurt, and I thought that once I got stretched out it would get better. Wrong! The second time was worse then the first, but as usual I just dealt with it and hoped it would end quickly (which wasn’t usually an issue with high school guys).
When I went to my GYN to get birth control pills, I mentioned the pain to her and she said I was just really tight. When I expressed that I was nervous about pain during the exam, she rolled her eyes and said, “this is a child’s speculum”.
I didn’t let the pain stop me from sleeping around though, I enjoyed other things about sex so I continued to try and hoped it would get better. It didn’t. A year later I went back to the GYN for an annual exam and she suggested I use dilators and that I had vaginismus. I don’t have vaginismus…
After my freshman year of college, I wen’t back to the doctor with the same complaints as usual. She finally had the idea of doing the Q tip test, and diagnosed me with vulvar vestibulitis. Why I didn’t come to that conclusion on my own with the help of the internet, I don’t know. After that I went to see a specialist in DC (my current doctor) who started me on estrogen creams, and suggested I stop the birth control.
Those didn’t really do anything, so she suggested I try PT. It was slightly helpful with teaching me to relax a bit, but at the end of the day my problem was with the nerves and not the muscles, so we decided it was doing more harm then good.
After that my doctor prescribed Lyrica in hopes that it would stop the nerves from firing. I was on it for about 3 months at a pretty high dose. After testing it out with some drunk guy, I concluded that there was no change. According to her, it should lead to improvement by one month, so I stopped with that.
When I went back to see her, she told me that I was a great candidate for the surgery, due to my pain being almost exclusively when provoked, and the fact that my pain was so localized. I knew the procedure was extreme, but my sex problems had such a huge impact on my relationships and my self esteem that I knew I had to try. I’m not one to commit, and It will probably be years before I am able to have a healthy relationship, but one day I hope to. Maybe. I am also a risk taker, and if it was between doing nothing and doing something drastic to fix a problem, I was always going to go drastic. Another reason I decided to go through with it while still in college is that my school has a ridiculously long winter break. I didn’t know when else in my life I would have 2 months completely free, with no classes or internships or responsibility. I decided last summer to do the surgery, and here I am today lying in bed in pain. I have no regrets, and I really hope this works.
If by any chance you read all of that, thanks for taking an interest in my painful sex life! I hope it was entertaining and informative!
Till next time!
4 Days Post-op: “I’m still cool without a vestibule!”
Hi Guys!
I remembered that quote I liked! ^^ I wish I had the proper citation, but alas, it will have to remain anonymous for now. Today is my 4th day post op (I’m posting this around midnight but i’m still counting it as the 4th day!). I didn’t update yesterday because it was more of the same, if not worse than day 2. I am having a little less pain, and managing on 4 tablets of Motrin every 4-5 hours. Perks were just too nauseating. When it’s bad it’s like a 6/10 and at the height of my meds it’s about a 2. it’s a 5 when I try to walk.
I still suck at walking. Wobbling around really takes it’s toll on me. Going to the bathroom is a little painful, but not too bad. I’ve been trying control my pelvic floor muscles so that they don’t release or tense up too quickly, and that’s been working! Look out kegals i’m getting skilled. Maybe I can use my new found pelvic floor control on men… except i’m never going near another one of those for another 100 years, but we’ll get to that.
I had my first bowel movement today since the surgery and it was a huge accomplishment! I kept anxiously saying to my mom, “they are NOT giving me an enema it’s NOT happening”. So that makes me feel less anxious (something had to). Another step in the right direction is a decrease in these weird squeezing pains I was having. Since they surgery I’ve been having these really bizzare squeezing pains with some of my stitches whenever my stomach rumbled or acted up at all. Luckily they have subsided, because they really freaked me out.
To break up the monotony of reading about pain levels and different drugs, I’ve decided to include a new segment called, wait for it… Let’s Talk About My Personal Life! I need to go to sleep so I’ll leave it up to YOU which topic I discuss in my next blog! Do you want to hear about… A. My interactions with boys throughout my lifespan, and how my broken vagina has messed them up. B. My vulvodynia story that led me to this point. C. My grievances with social media’s portrayal of sexual problems. or D. Why my family is currently pissing me off.
I’ll let you decide! Comment below with your preference! Or if no one comment’s I’ll just pick one myself! Yay!
Till next time!
P.S. Thanks for reading, you’re the best!
Post Op Day 2: The Struggle Continues
Hi Again!
It’s the second day after the surgery and I’m doing surprisingly better then yesterday! Yesterday when I would transition between doses of Percocet I was in so much pain still a (7-8/10). Today was a little different.
The morning was awful. The timing of my pain meds had gotten screwed up throughout the night, so i ended up taking 2 more perks at 9am without much in my stomach. Keep in mind I had been constantly on these for the last 36 hours (I think that math is right), and may have slightly cheated a tad on the every 4 to 6 hours rule. Anyways, (I say that a lot, you might want to get used to it), This morning I got sick and i’m pretty sure it was my body trying to tell me to stop before I OD’s on those perks. Today I’ve been sticking to 600-800mg of Motrin instead and it’s been working fine. My pain varies from a 3 to a 6 depending on where i’m at with the meds.
I started the sitz baths, which are relaxing but annoying. You’d be surprised at how much effort it takes to get out of bed, take off my clothes, and adjust the water. It’s serious work, I’m surprised it hasn’t been added to the olympics.
In other news I’m currently having a bit of a dispute with my ice packs. Quite frankly they are pissing me off. It takes them 2 hours to melt, which is pretty frequent considering the fact that I wear them pretty much 24/7. Another grievance is that since they have a pocket, when the ice melts it spills. Like can you not? So I’ve been trying to perfectly time when this stupid ice will melt so I can replace it before it spills. It’s just so much effort and i’d really prefer not to move ever.
Here are some good things that happened today so we can end on a happy note! 1. My dad made me a milkshake! 2. I got to play The Sims, (my favorite past time that I haven’t indulged in since 8th grade). 3. …ok I can think of something! Does sleeping count? Sure! I took a 4 hour nap and it was glorious!
Till next time!
6 Days
So I’m still figuring out this whole” how to work wordpress” thing. The interface is kind of weird. It’s like, how do I see my followers, oh wait they are invisible! (no offense to the hundreds of loyal followers i’ll have soon!) *cricket cricket*.
I wanted to clarify something. I know my username and confidential email and even title are a tad less then serious. I just don’t want anyone to think i’m trying to make light of any sort of really difficult situation anyone reading this may have had to go through. It’s just my sense of humor. Plus “my journey” and “my vulvar vestibulitis story” have already been used so many times so I figured i’d try to be original.
As the title states, my surgery is 6 days away. Its midnight on thursday, and my surgery is on wednesday. It kind of feels like jumping off a cliff. Bad metaphor? Let me try a different one. It’s like taking a shot. You know it will be really bad, but you don’t exactly know how bad, as some go down smoother then others. You don’t want to think about just how bad it will be, cause lets be real, at the end of the day you are gonna take that shot because the end result is what you want. So instead of thinking oh my god i have to down this glass of poison thats gonna make me want to vom, you smile and laugh and think about the rager you’re going to. Then its shot time, you cheers, say 1, 2, 3, and go for it. It’s almost like a moment of dissociation, you just tip that glass and let it happen. Then its terrible or only kinda gross or something in the middle. But at the end of the pregame, even though you went through some really bad things, you have the result that you want, you’re drunk. The moral of that story is that, you don’t have to cry and have panic attacks every night before you do something scary. If it’s something you want, you close your eyes, tip it back, then just cope.
To wrap this up, I want to thank you again for reading this and really encourage you to comment or shoot me an email at my new confidential address: surgeryswag@gmail.com. I would really really love to hear from anyone who has experience with all of this, reading about others’ experience has always been helpful in the past.
Till next time.
Maybe It Won't Be That Bad: The Story Of My Vulvar Vestibulectomy 
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