Casually Dilating in My Apartment

Hi Guys!!!

Did you miss me?  I’ve been doing some pretty hardcore schoolwork and not thinking about my vagina 24/7.  Being back at school and getting into the swing of things has been crazy, but I still manage to find time to use these darn pieces of dick shaped plastic.  In my case I guess you would call them unfortunately small dick sized plastic.  

Now I’m pretty open with my roommates about my condition.  I don’t parade around naked showing them surgery diagrams but they know what’s up.  I decided to go the honest route and discuss my daily PT routine with them, so that they don’t think I’m hogging their bathroom for various other reasons.  It’s still kind of weird, but I try to be subtle about it.  

Things are going better than they were when I last posted.  I’m only on size small, but I’m feeling more hopeful.  I am more confident that my problems are more muscle than skin now, which was a big source of my anxiety.  I’m pretty sure the small amount of raw pain on the inside is from scar tissue.  Have any of you dealt with lingering scar tissue, and if so what did it feel like?  Most of the pain comes from the fact that the muscles really don’t want to open.  When I try to insert it for the first time, it feels like I am hitting a wall, but once I relax a little bit it goes in.  Even then it feels like the muscles really don’t want to be separated.  After I leave it in for a minute or so it becomes more comfortable, and I can move it around without too much discomfort.  

The thing that worries me is the lack of progress from day to day.  I have a more realistic view of the timeline I’m supposed to be on, but it is still disconcerting to feel the same discomfort every day that I use them.  I’m hoping the graph of my progress will be discontinuous, and have dramatic upward trends at various points in time.  BAM I made a metaphor, look how skilled in literacy I am!!  Ok well I guess it’s not really a metaphor, more of a visual description of a mental graph!  It’s a science metaphor!  

Let’s move on to discussing my love life.

*cricket cricket*

Ok moving on to my potential hookup life!  This “revirginizing” thing is annoying.  A guy that I used to hook up with started booty calling me again, and I’ve obviously been making up excuses for now.  I’m totally aware that it will take a lot of time to heal, but I’m still debating what comes next.  On the one hand, this is a unique opportunity to revirginize (as I’ve never used my NEW vagina before), but on the other hand I miss having sex.  And on the other other hand this guy is really hot… Well, to be honest he’s a bit of a butterface but his body greatly makes up for it.  He’s also kind of a pretentious douchebag… which apparently is still my type.  It’s all ok though, because douchery doesn’t usually shine through in the dark.  

Sigh, life decisions are hard.  Keep reading to find out if I end up crawling back to my randos!  Spoiler Alert: (jk there are no spoiler alerts in life!)  Feel free to comment anything you’d like!  You can say hi, give me a heads up on something you’d like to see in my blog, or write me a haiku if you want to be mu favorite!  

Thanks for reading, you guys are the best!

Why Is Everyone Screwing All The Time!?

This post will deviate from my usual recovery update.  I will probably post one of those tomorrow.  A point was brought to my attention as I was loafing on the couch watching tv for 2 weeks.  Sex is literally everywhere.  Now don’t get me wrong, i’m a hip youth who knows what’s up, and obviously i’ve been immersed in our hyper sexualized media for most of my life.  However, at this particular moment of my life, I see it a bit differently.

Aside from just the media, all anyone talks about is who they are screwing, where they are screwing, how often they are screwing.  Do you have no other life!?  Why don’t you tell me about school, or your family, or your dog, or your career goals!?  Ok now saying that on paper I realize why sex is the obvious conversational topic… 

Disclaimer: I’m about to make some generalizations so get ready!  

For “normal people” (people without sexual pain disorders), this hypersexualization of culture is not something to complain about.  Either you are 1. a part of it, having fun, going out, trying to do everyone. 2. In a relationship where you can screw the same person all the time (snooze), or 3. You have chosen by your own free will not to engage in this extracurricular activity.  These people have every reason to embrace, or at least tolerate the culture.  #3 is a little iffy, but just because you choose one way doesn’t mean you get to protest what is broadcasted to everyone else.

For people with pain disorders it’s obviously different.  Sex is dangled over our heads on every channel you turn to (except nickelodeon, even though I always suspected that something was going on with spongebob and sandy). It’s also dangled in front of us by our friends, family, coworkers, you name it they are probably screwing someone and probably telling you about it.  It would be bad enough to struggle silently with our painful sex lives, and keep our issues confined to the bedroom.  Instead, our issues stem over to the tv, the lunchroom, the club, the freshman dorms, and I could go on.  Basically everywhere we go, there will inevitably be some mention of sex, and some reminder that we are broken.

 I believe that this is one of the reasons that sexual pain disorders take such a huge toll on people’s lives.  As if the strained relationships, feelings of inadequacy, and actual pain weren’t enough, we also have to endure being constantly reminded of how we are missing out and failing at one of the seemingly most important parts of life.  

I’ve met people who judge me for going through with an extreme procedure just so I can have sex.  There are people who think I need to get my priorities straight, there are people who think it’s not worth it, there are even people who think it makes me a one track minded slut.  They can think what they want.  Only those who have suffered understand the true urgency to heal. Only they can understand how truly difficult it is to live in a culture dominated by something that causes them so much pain.